Humorous Teenage Diary
By Sultan McGee
Next Page
FOR SALE CHEAP, MAKE OFFER: notebook, diary, journal, whatever. Surprise birthday present, hardly used. See Kate in Room 112, 1st period.
JOURNAL
by
KATE DICKINSON
PRIVATE
THIS MEANS YOU!
Wednesday, March 19
Abby snitched. Now Mom has me chained to a journal. I should have known better. Advertising on the school bulletin board was a bad idea. Mrs. Booker heard me complaining and said it's one of Murphy's Laws that younger sisters can't keep secrets. Says it's not in their nature. If you have a younger sister, you don't have a secret. Says older sisters give them too much to talk about. Mrs. B. knows a lot of those laws. If the shoe fits, the other one doesn't. If you have the right answers, you probably have the wrong questions. Anyway, she said I ought to feel lucky to have it. I said What, a sister or a journal? She said both, of course. She always takes Mom's side. LeAnne thinks that's in their contract. I think teachers just play it safe. You wouldn't want to be on the wrong side of an argument with Molly's Mom. It's not worth the trouble. If you disagree with Mrs. McDonald, she snorts and gets red in the face and calls you a moron. Except for Mrs. Hicks, of course. Nobody insults her. If Molly's Mom tried that, she'd find out quick who the moron is.
Thursday, March 20
Dad's theory about keeping secrets is that it isn't just little sisters, it's all women. He says no woman can keep a secret for very long. Two days, tops. It's built into female genes from the old days. He read it in Chaucer. It's the only thing he remembers from Chaucer, wouldn't you know? The wife of King Midas was told a secret and was ready to burst trying to keep it to herself. Finally, she ran down to a pond, stuck her head in the water and whispered the secret to the fish. . Dad enjoys information like that. If he knows anything weird about men, he keeps it to himself. You have to look it up on your own. Bernie's sister has those genes for sure. Bernie found a $20 in the mall, and she tells everybody about it. So his Mom makes him turn it in. Trying to set a good example of honesty. Stupid.
Friday, March 21.
I heard Dad telling Mom about something a golfing buddy had done on the golf course. Got him into deep trouble, I guess. They were laughing about it, but would he tell me? "It's a secret, Kate. You're too young." He wouldn't even tell me who it was. I'm waiting for a chance to tell him "Sorry, Dad, you're too old." Anyway, I'm going to find out who it couldn't be any worse than what Dad does. He decided to break my habit of chewing on ballpoints. So he rounded up the pens in the house and stuck them up his nose. To make them "Kate-proof," he said. I didn't see him actually do it, but yuck! who wants to take a chance? This is just like the warnings he scared us with when we were little. Stay away from Mrs. Gobel's dog. If you get too close, he'll tear your throat out and eat your tongue. Keep those blocks out of your mouth. The dog peed all over them. Like I say, you can't always be sure that what he says is 100% correct. The part that's not correct, that's the scary part.
Saturday, March 22
May 17 is Sadie Hawkins Day. Mom says it's a dating custom from the old days. Around here it means the 8th-grade girls have to ask the boys out. Is that weird or what? Dad says the idea is to develop social skills. An "initiation." That's a big word for something that's probably dumb but you have to do just because your parents did. Like wear a gown and go to the senior prom. Whoopdiydoo!
If the prom is anything like a social, I can pass that up. At the Friday social Billy Wallace followed me around. LeAnne calls it stalking. His glasses are crooked and he's short and worse, he's only a seventh grader. He stood and stared at me for a long time. Then he circled around and came up behind me. I pretended he wasn't there. That didn't do any good because he was, and he was practically breathing down my neck. He asked if I wanted to dance and I said no, but that didn't do any good. He said why'd I come if I didn't want to dance? I said I had a bad cold. He said he did, too. I moved away, and he just followed me around. With him standing there, everyone was going to think we were together. I couldn't wait to get out of there. Then he got mad and said "what's the matter, don't you know how?"
To receive the whole story, simply EMAIL your request to the author.